Last night, while I was on the phone with the Relief Worker, I figured out why I am so hesitant and generally wishy-washy about him.
I was settled into my new Sunday night routine, watching "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy" while having a glass of wine. A friend of mine was over and we were debating the relative hotness of the different doctors on the show. Very important stuff.
The Relief Worker called, so I excused myself to the balcony so as to not interrupt the television-watching. He asked what I was doing, and I told him without hesitating, "Drinking a glass of wine and watching TV with a friend."
"Oh, you're all snuggled up with someone?" he asked, which is a lame way of asking if I'm seeing someone.
I assured him that I wasn't and we had a short conversation. Toward the end he said, "Well, it was good talking to you. Go enjoy your bottle of wine."
"Glass," I said. "I'm having a glass of wine."
"Well, one always leads to another," he said. "You know how that works."
And that's when it hit me. I am ambivalent about him because he makes me feel self-conscious about my actions and because no matter what happens, I will always be the "bad" one in the relationship.
I am an adult. I'm 25 and I drink and I wear shirts that show off my cleavage sometimes and I hobble around on three-inch heels. I sometimes smoke and I look forward to a glass of wine after a long week at work. I get manicures and so I don't save as much money as I should and instead of drinking house wine, I'll have a $10 martini.
I stay out (and up) late. I enjoy trashy TV shows and watch silly reality TV when I should be vacuuming or mopping or Windexing something. I eat tater tots and grilled cheese or pizza and potato chips when I should be having a salad and apple slices. I play my music too loud and I dance around my apartment in my bra in the middle of the day without shutting my blinds.
I sleep in or go to brunch instead of church on Sundays. My last thought at night before I go to bed is about what time I should set my alarm. I often skip breakfast, but I always have my coffee. I am slightly addicted to Diet Coke and at least once a week, I sneak off to the vending machine for a white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup.
And I am fine with it all.
I'm also a good sister and daughter. I love my family and friends. I work hard for less money than I should because I believe that I am helping people. I am a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen and a person you can go to when you just want to laugh. I will cook you dinner (veggies only!) and make dessert.
I will dance all night for your birthday and buy you a drink when your heart is broken. I'll give you advice I know you won't take and I will do my best to avoid saying "I told you so" later. (I sometimes fail at this one.) You can cry to me and I will never tell anyone. You can tease me and I'll tease back.
And what I really need is someone who is fine with it all, too.