Charming, but single

Dear Jerkface Neighbor,

I know that in these trying times, simple things like parking your car in between the lines can seem like a monumental task. I also know that given the GINORMOUS truck you have, parking in a normal-sized spot is downright impossible sometimes.

I am nothing if I am not a caring and compassionate person who is sympathetic to her neighbors. So I overlooked your inability to park in ONE spot on Monday evening. I was too tired to really care anyway and went to bed pretty much immediately.

And on Tuesday, I was in a hurry to get home, change clothes and grab a bottle of wine to bring to a friend's house for some much-needed drinky-and-gossip time. I barely even noticed that you were double parked that day.

And I would have overlooked the double parking on Wednesday night, but it caused me to have to park on the other side of the building, in the "shadowy" section of the parking lot, which is the perfect hiding spot for would-be attackers and rapists. They pretty much LIVE for shadows. Furthermore, I had my folded laundry, a small bag of groceries and a purse that I had to drag across the parking lot to my apartment at 11 p.m., when I finally finished a rather long day.

HOWEVER, Jerkface Neighbor, the obnoxious noise from your GINORMOUS truck that interrupted my sleep this morning at 5 a.m. really rubbed me the wrong way.

In fact, it did more than that. It supremely pissed me off.

As if it wasn't bad enough that you take up two spots (when you clearly live in a one-bedroom unit that, from my reading of my lease, has one parking spot associated with it), now you are waking me up at the crack of dawn on the one day in the past five weeks that I haven't had to be up that early to begin with?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Today was my morning to sleep in until 6 a.m. and your TANK-SIZED truck wouldn't start, so you revved the engine for a half-hour, banged on things and cursed, keeping me from my well-deserved extra hour of sleep.

Why, Jerkface Neighbor, why? Are you so selfish and inconsiderate that you don't even realize why this is a bad idea? Were you not aware that it was STILL DARK OUTSIDE and that it was possible that some of us actually ENJOY sleeping?

Jerkface Neighbor, do you even have a job? Because once you finally got your GARGANTUAN truck to start and peeled out of the two parking spots you were taking up (did that really loud noise coming from your EXTRA MANLY truck make your penis feel bigger or something?) you sped off   only to return 45 minutes later and park in two spots again. (I know this, because my stressed job-having self saw you sitting in your car when I left for work at 6:45 a.m.)

Beware, Jerkface Neighbor. I am on to you. I'm planning on sleeping in reeeeaaally late on Saturday (like maybe until 8 a.m.!) and if you wake me, you will need more than an obnoxiously large truck to protect you.

Just remember: Hell hath no fury like a charming (but single) woman scorned.

Sincerely,

S

P.S. Sorry for the lack of updates. Stories about the dates with the boy soon. I promise!