Charming, but single

I happened to be reading a little rant about cockblocking over at Mack Tight. He talks about the two methods women use to run interference between their female friends and potential hook-ups (more crassly and commonly called cockblocking). He concludes that women do this in two ways -- they either play the "it's unsafe to go with him card" or the "it's girls night, you shouldn't be ditching us!" card. He also says men never do this, (Not true -- Wingmen do this all of the time. I've seen it happen. Guys just do it in a less direct way, by sitting on the sidelines and taunting their (probably loaded) buddy for his (in their opinion) low caliber choice in the ladies.) Also, he contends that the only women who cockblock are ugly and jealous. I'm not in the habit of calling women ugly because I don't think it is really necessary, but I will go with jealous, as hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (or terribly jealous and drunk).

His post got me thinking. I feel that I must enlighten him and other men who've been on the receiving end of a CB and automatically thought, "That bitch! How dare she overrule her friend like that!" The fellas ALWAYS forget that there truly are two kinds of CBs as far as women are concerned -- the sanctioned CB and the unsanctioned CB. Most men are familiar with the unsanctioned CB, which usually comes from a mean or jealous place inside a woman (or man). A cute girl is talking to a guy you've been hooking up with, so you bust in and rain on his parade. A woman you don't like is having fun with a guy and you try your hardest to make sure she ends up alone at the end of the night. Some women do this without even realizing that they're doing it. (I knew a girl once who managed to cockblock three men at once because she was mad that her three friends had boys they were spending time with and she was all alone. It takes talent, but it can be done.)

Men ALWAYS assume that CBs are unsanctioned and that the woman being cockblocked is ALWAYS outraged and annoyed. Not true. Not true at all. This brings me to the second kind of cockblock -- the Sanctioned CB. This kind is far more common than men could ever imagine. They occur when friends have a standing agreement either for that night or for the duration of their friendship that "friends don't let friends do stupid slutty things when they are drunk." My college roommate and I had a standing agreement when it came to these things. We each knew who the other was allowed to make out with or hook up with. If one of us saw the other venturing into "unsafe" (read: unsavory) territory while she was drunk, we'd run in, do a drive-by cockblock and retrieve the other while it was still early on. This type of CB is typically employed on ex-boyfriends, former hook-ups and man whores -- men our friends have told us (when they were sober) that they are not, under any circumstance, no matter how drunk they are, to leave the bar with. (Sanctioned CBing is part of the Best Friend Contract, right after the subsection about how your best friend is to treat your ex-boyfriends and right before the guidelines for what constitutes sloppy seconds.)

Call it stupid. Call it bitchy. But if you are on the receiving end of a sanctioned CB, you probably have screwed over someone -- the girl in question, a friend of ours, us, half of the female business majors -- and must be stopped. After all, YOU don't have to sit and listen to MY friend cry and yell and complain about how badly you treated her. You just get to hook-up with her. I have to pick up the pieces later, after she realizes that you don't want to get back with her, are hooking up with half of the world and/or are bragging about bedding her to everyone south of the Canadian border. (I probably also have to drive to your crappy apartment to retrieve said friend at 5:00 in the morning because you're passed out drunk and she realizes that she needs to make a quick exit. There are so many other things I'd rather be doing at 5:00 in the morning, most notably sleeping off the amazing hangover I probably am about to have.)

Many times, the woman who is being CBed puts up a bit of a fight, but a lot of times she just goes along with it. (Sometimes, she puts up a fight for show alone.) Even if she is a bit annoyed, she will probably thank her friend later. Other times, the woman calls the standing agreement off, releasing the cockblocker from the contract under which she is required to stop her friend from going home with an boy who is deemed unsavory for one of the aforementioned reasons. This is called "suspending the rules" and it usually occurs either in a short conversation between the women (that's what we're whispering about) or in meaningful eye contact between the two. It is the CBing friend's responsibility to say, "But you SAID you didn't want to be with him ever again," lay out all of the reasons why spending time with said boy is stupid, before ultimately washing her hands of the situation. Now, I'm not saying women (or men) should assume that their CBing skills are needed. We're all adults here and we can ultimately make our own decisions and you can never rely solely on the ability of your friends to stop you from doing something you may later regret. It is nice, however, to have some backup. (Sidenote: I'm not trying to pick on Mack Tight. His post just happened to be what got me thinking. I have no idea which kind of CB he was on the receiving end of. Go read his blog.)