Charming, but single

(Note from S: I'm on lots and lots and lots of cold medication right now ... LOTS. I don't even know if this makes sense ... it's all very free form and mixed up. Sorry!) So, T called to chat Sunday evening. I've been holding on out you! I'm such a tease! Actually, I wasn't feeling well Sunday and by that evening I felt like crap. By Monday I was feeling even worse, which brings me to today, and, folks, my voice is almost completely gone. So, I haven't been holding out on you. I've been ill. I don't feel terrible anymore -- my throat is sore and my voice is gone, but I generally feel ok, which is odd. I'm a bit concerned because I have some meetings later this week -- including one that I have to lead on Friday. Maybe I'll mime it. Anyway, back to T. He called around 5 p.m. He didn't seemed phased by my drunk dial, which means he's either a realist or the message wasn't nearly as bad as I sort of remembered it. Regardless, he wasn't in town when I called -- he went home for the second weekend in a row. (To me this is odd because he asked about what was going on in town when I talked to him last Wednesday ... why do that if you were going home, which is like two or three hours away? Maybe he's a procrastinator.) Now, I can't fault him for going home. I have a big family and I'm very close to my family members, even though I couldn't be more different from them and they drive me crazy at times. I'm spoiled that I live very near to my family and can see random aunts and cousins and grandparents and parents and siblings whenever I want. But, he's driving me crazy with his noncommittal attitude . He's so flirty when he calls! He makes references to us hanging out ... and then, NOTHING. So bizarre. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I don't call people I don't like and flirt with them for a half hour. Seriously. Anyway, we talked about my evening Saturday night and he was quick to ask if I'd hooked up with anyone. (He's asked this before when we've talked about our weekends.) I told him I hadn't and commented on the age and quality of the men there and he joked that I needed to lower my standards. "Come down off of your pedestal, princess," he joked when I described one dorky guy who did air guitar on stage by himself like he was Bon Jovi. Now, I don't know if T just thinks I'm, um, friendly -- which he totally could, especially considering our past relations -- or if he's just lacking confidence. Both thoughts drive me crazy. I wanted to snap back, "And what if I did hook up? What would you do? Not see me? OH WAIT!" Anyway, the conversation was unsettling. When we talk, I think he likes me, but as soon as I hang up the phone, I always think, "What the hell?" He noticed my raspy voice on Sunday and commented that I sounded like I was getting sick. (Which I denied, because I like to try to talk my body out of illness.) He said, "Well, I'll have to control myself around you, then. You may be contagious." I wanted to yell, "YOU'D HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME TO CATCH MY COLD!" Ah, the rub. Now, if I ever get better, T and I will be in close proximity for most of Saturday, when a mutual friend of ours is throwing a huge all-day party. (He has one every Spring.) T will definitely be there. We've talked about it and how much fun it'll be. T and I hooked up after the past two parties this friend has thrown and I have no doubt that he'll try to go three for three. I'm so put off by the whole situation right now. I like the guy, but I hate being toyed with. I don't even think he's doing it on purpose -- I think some of it is lacking confidence, which is very unattractive. I want to give him a chance to show me that he's interested, but I'm more than slightly concerned that he's not. And if he IS interested, I'm less than thrilled by his inability to express this interest in a normal way (I.e. A friggin' date). I will be honest. I wish I could say I'd be strong and not flirt with him and not kiss him and whatnot on Saturday. That would make me a liar. If we're both there, I'm going to flirt and kiss and snuggle and revel. And he will too. I have no doubt. We'll be drinking and hanging out and I'll forget about all of the uneasiness I have about the situation, because we'll be lost in conversation about a book or something. And I'll convince myself that he feels the connection that I do, when all both of us is really feeling is intoxication. I just have to keep reminding myself that what happens in Saturday is not necessarily indicative of our standing. It means nothing, because he's still going to be awkward and noncommittal. Remembering this is key. I should, like, write it on my hand or something.