Charming, but single

Went for mid-week drinks at a martini bar with B and some of his friends. (My friends all bailed this afternoon. Punks.) I had a good time. Watermelon martinis are tres refreshing. One extremely drunk man fell on me, spilling a martini all over me and my (freshly-washed) jeans. This was annoying for a second because the guy didn't even notice or bother to apologize or anything. Jerk. Anyway, the guy was being really rowdy, so B alerted the bartender, who dealt with the guy and sent over a free martini for me, which was unnecessary but nice. My new plan is to keep a glass of water at the table and splash it on me at random intervals to see if the bartender will keep sending over drinks. (Hey, I'm a babe on a budget. Whatever works.) I also ran into this guy I used to have a HUGE crush on. He's totally my type -- tallish, dark hair and eyes with a sort of medium-heavyset build. (I hate my men too skinny and scrawny. I've always been attracted to bigger guys. They're better to cuddle with. You feel enveloped in their arms.) I crushed on him for quite awhile, but I always thought he didn't like me at all because he barely spoke to me. When I would try to initiate a conversation and he'd be quiet, I took this as a sign that he thought I was boring. Turns out, he's just boring and unable to talk to women -- such a turn off. Anyway, he was at the bar alone. (He does that a lot. He left my birthday party early and acted like he had other plans. We ran into him at another bar later. Alone.) (Not that there's anything wrong with going to bars alone ... well, not SERIOUSLY wrong anyway.) He spotted me tonight and came over and joined our group. I'm not sure what I ever saw in him -- he's so awkward and is terrible to talk to. I could hold a conversation with a potted plant if I really wanted to, so if I can't talk to you, no one can. I picked his brain about our mutual friends (who happen to be friends with T), but to no avail. No new gossip, no party plans, nothing. I'm not sure why I'm so hung up on T. Sure, he's smart, charming, good-looking, photogenic and generally fun, but he's not calling me. I should be able to put him out of my mind, but I can't. Maybe it's the drinks, maybe it's being around B and missing our past flirtations, but tonight all I could think about was T. B and company headed to another bar, but I came home. I didn't have any desire to stay out until the crack of dawn. I'm in a pensive mood. I used to not be this obsessed with men and relationships and everything that comes alone with them. There actually was a time when I was sane and unconcerned about these things. (I think I was, like, five then.) I just feel so one-dimensional right now. I can't shake the feeling of aloneness that creeps over me, especially when I'm out with friends or couples. It's subtle but always there, constantly nagging me. Maybe it has always been there and I just repressed it like a bad memory that I'm now having to face. Maybe I was just lucky all these years to not mind being unattached. Maybe I just tricked myself into not feeling lonely with pseudo-relationships and drunken hook-ups. I never thought I'd be the girl who wanted roses and chocolates. That's not me -- I'm not easily impressed with throw-away romantic gestures and sentiments. I've always wanted something solid. Something real. Falling in love with B was one of the worst and best things that ever happened to me. Coming out of that haze and dealing with the reality of rejection left me fragile and jaded. But it also left me hopeful. I know now that I can let myself go enough to let someone else in. I think this odd combination of bitterness and optimism has thrown my system out of whack, making something that I never worried about before a constant concern of mine. Hence the lingering feelings for B. Hence the gnawing obsession with T. Maybe none of it will work out. I just know how great it felt in those moments where I could totally let go and be lost in someone else. I want that back.