Dear Immune System,
I know that the past few months have been trying for you. I know I should have rested more when I was super ill in August and that I shouldn't have worked all of those 10-to-14-hour days. But, you know, there was a lot going on for a few months.
I've been TRYING to be good. I've been avoiding sick people and using Purel like mad. (In fact, I just Pureled.) I use those Lysol Disinfectant Cleaning Cloths and I try to eat healthy fruits and veggies. I know I don't always take my vitamins, but I try. I'm sorry. I'll do better in the future.
But, Immune System, you simply CANNOT give out on me now. I simply have TOO MANY important social obligations this weekend to not be well. We're celebrating my BIRTHDAY for crying out loud. And this Birthday Girl will not miss having inappropriately large hair and wearing terribly uncomfortable shoes and teetering around drunk spilling things while ordering people to wish her a "Happy Birthday" and getting celebratory kisses and spankings from every boy I know.
Teetering around drunk spilling things while barking out orders to my friends who have to listen because we are at celebration of me is my God-given right as the Birthday Girl and I will NOT miss the one night of the year when I am allowed to be as insufferable as I want to be because my body decided to not like the fact that I got a flu shot and/or because I moved a Fir tree into my living room and put lights on it.
You're being ridiculous, Immune System. My co-workers thought I had "a late night" last night because my eyes were so puffy and swollen this morning. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have to explain to them that I took Benadryl at 9 p.m. and wished for quick slumber, so to avoid the itchy, burning eyes and sore throat? You are hurting my reputation as the fun Single Girl in my section, Immune System. Why?
When I come to work on Monday, the only cause for my puffy eyes should be intense intoxication and lack of sleep. Get used to it, Immune System. We're in for a wild ride.
Hear that, Immune System? I'm going to be well on Saturday night, whether you like it or not. I am going kiss on every guy in the room and if you don't like it, we're going to have some problems. You're either with me or against me, Immune System, so don't test me.
Because if I don't get to be the Stereotypical Tipsy Birthday Girl this weekend, then the terrorists have won.