Charming, but single

Perhaps it is all of the weddings and wedding talk lately, but yesterday I started looking at online dating sites. This is despite the fact that I don’t even like the concept of online dating. I don’t think I can distill myself down to checkboxes and 500-character fill-ins and I don’t want to date anyone who can. Oh yeah, and I don’t want to have to pay $30 to have the same people who are whining on their profiles about “the bar scene” do exactly what people in “the bar scene” do – make snap judgements based on appearance. At least in bars they serve alcohol. But, I’m poking around some of the sites to see which one might be worth a short investment on my part. A nothing ventured, nothing gained approach to dating. Whatever. The problem is that I don’t want to filter people the way these sites let you filter people. Sure, I do what to at least know things like if someone smokes (not a dealbreaker, but I’ve worked hard to quit, I still cheat and I’m not sure I could handle the temptation) and what a person does and if they have kids. But, I actually want to filter out the following groups of people:

• Men who type their profiles in all caps
• Men who do not know that apostrophes do not make word plural (No, I am not grammatically perfect. But it’s a profile! It has character maximums! You can’t string together 1500 grammatically correct characters?)
• Anyone who refers to himself as an “Italian Stallion”
• Men who excessively mention “drama” and a desire to live with “no drama” in their lives (It’s not that I’m pro-drama per se, it’s just that people who talk about not “wanting drama” usually end up “causing drama.”)
• Men who’ve obviously posed shirtless on a bed just for their profile picture
• Men I already know (Boys from my elementary school and current drinkin’ buddies need not apply.)
• Men who like cats (I hate cats and am mildly allergic to them.)
• Men who are looking for women who are “real” (What does that even mean? No plastic surgery? No fake hologram women?)
• Men who talk about the writing of the profile in the profile (Yes, I know you hate writing “these things” and “never know what to say.” I’m a professional communicator, and if you can’t figure out a better opening line than “I never know what to say because I hate these things,” then I’m probably moving on. I mean, it isn’t even hard! Three sentences! First, outline who you are! (I.e. “I’m a single accountant who likes to rock climb and cook.”) Second, outline what you want! (I.e. “I’m looking for a woman who likes the outdoors and exploring new restaurants and trying new types of food.”) Third, say something cute! (I.e. “Drop me a line if you want to spice up your life.” Look! Done!)

This type of dating causes you to think about things you wouldn’t normally think about. Is a guy who is my height or shorter even going to want to date me? I’m in the five-seven or five-eight range myself, but I love my heels, which pops me up closer to five-ten. In a bar, I’m not thinking, “Man, that cute guy who just introduced himself is half an inch shorter than I am. I shouldn’t talk to him.” But with these personals, I am. In fact, I'm ruling out all kinds of guys based on checkboxes and such. Not cool. I mean, how does this work? Will it work at all? I’m talking myself out of this again, I think.